The Violence in Our Lives

In a previous blog, I mentioned the subject of "secrets," and that I would probably write on this topic in a future blog. One area of many of our lives, that we seldom discuss, is violence. Violence in our lives is one of the big "secrets."

A saying I want to talk around--ruminate on--in this regard is, the "Rule of Thumb." One frequently hears this term being casually used. Personally, I like the folk sayings of the past, which are no longer commonly heard. This one, as are/were the older ones, is used without thinking about its possible origins/meaning.

In the '70's I was affiliated with a group home for young women who had lost the custody of a young child, because of abuse. In this home, they were re-united with the child, with the hope that they could learn parenting skills, so that it would not happen again. My salary was paid by a fund set up to educate people about domestic abuse. This was at a time when the first shelters for abused women had been set up in Minnesota. Up until that time, it was a subject seldom discussed, even in the news.

Only the police knew about the prevalence of the problem; these "domestic" calls were among the most dangerous on which they were called upon to respond.

I was raised in a non-violent family. In order to educate others about the nature of domestic violence, I first had to educate myself. To my, current, dismay, as bad as the situation regarding domestic violence was at that time, things have only gotten worse over the last half century, not better!

One of the things I learned in my research on domestic violence was the meaning of the term, a "Rule of Thumb." What I learned was that, "the Rule of Thumb" was an early American law, which reads: "Thou shalt not use a rod larger than thy thumb to chastise thy wife." This was not a permissive law, but one of limitation. Things in the early colonies had gotten so out of hand, in this regard, that the authorities of the time actually passed it as a law. Anything smaller than your thumb was Okay.

"Chastising" one's wife has its roots, specifically, at that time, in the Puritan Religion. Western religions, however, in general, promote the idea that the wife is the responsibility of the husband, and his to correct if she behaves in a manner which he believes is not suitably submissive to his authority.

During the early days, (the beginning of the 1970's) it was thought that this was a relatively rare phenomenon. Later, it was estimated that, perhaps, up to 50 percent of women experienced some form of domestic abuse/violence to some degree, at that time. (Duo to its secretive nature, there was no way to actually document its prevalence then, which is still the case today.) Another important finding was that this was not just one segment of society, (i.e., "lower class" families) it exists throughout all social and economic layers of society.

It was also found that, if a young woman was being physically abused by a "boyfriend," which was rare at that time, if they were to marry, it would only get progressively worse. Those who were not physically abused while dating, had no guarantee that it would not start after they were married.

Recent reports indicate that such violence among young dating couples is now relatively common. In this country, right now, women are dying in large numbers at the hands of their male acquaintances, current and former. That men still think, as in ancient times, that, if they have become attached to a woman, that she belongs to him, mind and body, to do with what they will; her feelings for him, past or present, have no relevance for him.

There are few women alive today who have not experienced violence and abuse, either physical or sexual, or both, at the hands of one or more men in their lives. In fact, women who dare to speak about such experiences with their women friends/acquaintances, are treated with a, "What's so special about you?" attitude in response."

Mind you, this does not even touch on psychological abuse.

At the time I was educating about these issues, abuse of men by their wives was relatively rare; such abuse appears to, also, have become much more common.

Back then, women being physically violent in relationships was rare; they were, of course, relatively powerless. Their powerlessness was maintained by keeping them very limited in ways they could support themselves and their children. Their families generally did not want to take them in; it was something they were expected to put up with.

Only with the need for women to replace the working men, who went off to WWII, were their financial bonds to husbands loosened, and some of them were given limited means to support themselves. Many women, because of their enforced powerlessness, became/becom psychologically unstable, resulting in, frequently, psychological and/or physical abuse of their children. Also, if they had/have access, to alcohol abuse.

The point I want to make here, specifically, is that violence is learned behavior. In homes where violence occurs, children, boys primarily, learn that men have the right to abuse the women they have married; girls learn to expect to be abused. Over the years, not only have many children learned violence in their homes, they have, progressively, leaned it through, so-called, "entertainment." With the advent of moving visual forms of "entertainment" after the War, the unconscious self has increasingly been bombarded with the idea that violence is "normal."

It is very important to remember and examine the violence you were exposed to at an early age. As taking responsibility for oneself goes, this is primary.

Not only is it common for us, as humans, to abuse others, both physically and psychologically, it is also common for us, as humans, to abuse ourselves, both physically and psychologically, (a topic for another blog).

While we educated ones have been taught that we are, basically, animals, it is a fact that animals do not treat others of their species as humans treat each other.

So, I leave this subject, at least for now.

Shirley Gallup