Examining Our Romantic Relationships

In today's blog entry, I want to ruminate around the idea of committed relationships, and how rare and difficult it is for any of us to truly know anyone else.  Along with a sense of really knowing someone usually comes a sense of being able to predict their behavior.  We have just passed another Valentine's Day Holiday; a day when it is traditional for people to affirm their love for another individual.

Here where I live in New Mexico, around 40 couples lined up at the Court House to become married on this, hopefully, auspicious day.  Having never pledged myself to anyone in this, supposedly, time-honored way, I find feeling about this display of optimism about the same way I do some acts of heroism.  While  the same kind of line-up happened in many places on 12-12-12, it did not leave me with the same feeling of, I guess, amazement at the idealism displayed.  

When one is younger, it is easier to be idealistic, and believe that joining with another person will ensure security, caring and happiness.  Some few couples have been able to achieve a true sense of loving trust; that the other person will always be there for them.  Unfortunately, sooner or later, after having vowed to join with another, most seem to find that they have made a commitment to a stranger. 

Because of such vows and religious beliefs, many individuals remain in relationships, having committed, "for better or worse."  The history of marriage is an interesting study; few know that it wasn't until about 400 years ago that the Catholic Church interjected itself in what had previously been a civil affair, having considered it none of their affair previously. 

The primary reason for the Church's historical lack of interest was it's stance that women were a second thought on the part of God, and constituted a distraction to men.  This negative attitude about women on the part of the Church was overlain on the general view of women as property held in many major cultures.  It is a fact that, until recently in the West, and still the case in the majority of this world, females have been considered property to be transferred to another family through the act of marriage.  Many contracts for these exchanges have been entered into, when the female was a young age, however, at whatever age, few have had anything to say about the transfer.  Those of us who pay attention to world news have had these cultural beliefs, regarding the lack of status of women in the Middle East, as well as in India, brought to our attention rather forcefully of late.

Perhaps because of the publicity regarding the status of women, was the occurrence this last Valentine's Day, around the world that many women deemed it a day to mark their objection to their status as property in the, "March of One Billion."  This one-billion number was apparently based on the idea of how prevalent this problem is.  As there are now approximately seven billion human beings on this planet currently, if we calculate about half as being adult females and female children, I come up with a figure of 3.5 billion females.

While I did not join with other women demanding the end to the inequality still experienced by them around the world, I have been personally concerned about this state of affairs since the 1970s when I was an educator concerning the abuse of women, paid to inform the public regarding this problem through a government grant.  At that time, my first job was to educate myself, as I was as ignorant about the subject as almost everyone else. 

At that time much less was known about how common the abuse of women by their male partners was in the West.  When the project was begun, it was thought that perhaps it was around 10 percent.  A few years later, through interviews, it was determined to be at least 40 to 50 percent of couples were involved in abusive relationships.  It was also learned that their was no difference found as to the presence of abuse when social and cultural differences were factored in.  At that time, it was primarily male on female abuse; what with the changing times, in the West, it has become evident that, while a still a minority, more women have become the abusers in their relationships with their husbands or male companions.

That women are still considered property, to be disposed of in whatever manner a man wishes, was blatantly displayed in the case of the Olympic "Blade Runner" who recently killed his female companion, on Valentine's Day, in, I believe, South Africa.  While such a melodramatic end to a relationship is not common, it isn't uncommon either.

As I have written about in this blog, just as what is true about everything else, what we have been Programmed and Indoctrinated to believe about the nature of relationships and commitments to others underlies all of these problems which are periodically writ large for all to see.

At this time of the year, when the social emphasis has been placed on the heart relationships, it is a good time to examine our own attitudes about those to whom we have made long-term commitments.  For those admirable few who have managed to grow into a truly committed loving relationship, I congratulate you. 

So saying, I end this seasonal blog entry.

Shirley Gallup